Why Your Unravelling is Not Your Downfall — It's Your Rebirth

I used to be completely terrified of spiders.

If I saw even a small one on the other side of a pane of glass, I would freeze, my breath would quicken, and I’d descend quickly into panic and fear. For years, this was my default setting because honestly, I didn’t know there was a choice to see the situation differently. I believed I had this fear and there was nothing I could do about it.

What I now understand is that the fear was never mine. It was inherited from my Mum, and I had the ability and choice to let it go.

The Day Everything Changed

Years ago, I was at a local safari park with my friends. On the way there, we were talking about the fact that in one section of the park, you can often hold something like a snake, a lizard, or a spider!

My friend’s partner said if there was a tarantula, he would want to hold it. Then they all started laughing and asking me what I would do, knowing how terrified I was of even tiny spiders. I said I would like to think I could hold it if I wanted to, but I probably wouldn’t want to… and that was that.

Fast forward to that afternoon, and sure enough, there was a line of people waiting to hold a tarantula. My friend shouted gleefully, “I’m going to hold it!” and without even thinking, I yelled, “Me too!” and off we went.

As I stood in the line with my hands held out, I felt a mixture of excitement and "wtf am I doing?!" 😅 The guy passing the spider down the line must have sensed my fear because he left me until last. When it came to my turn, he talked me through the process and said he would place the spider on my hands but keep it covered to start with, to help me process what was happening.

He then placed the tarantula on my hands. After a few seconds, he removed his hand to reveal what I was holding. I felt a mixture of elation and disbelief and actually became quite emotional as I stood there, overcoming a fear I thought would be with me for life.

Of course, I couldn’t breathe properly for about half an hour afterwards and I felt a bit sick (ha ha!) — but I did it!

Minimising the Magnitude

In the car on the way home, everyone was chatting excitedly about the day, and then the spider holding came up. My friend told me how proud she was that I’d done it and expressed her surprise and disbelief, given how terrified I’d always been.

I said I was proud too, but that I didn’t think it really counted since the spider wasn’t that big. In my mind, I thought it had been about the size of my palm.

My friend pulled a face and asked if I was joking. She then proceeded to show me the picture she had taken on her phone… the ruddy thing was HUGE!!!

Somehow, my brain had minimised the size of the spider to make it easier for me to accept that I’d been holding it. And I had minimised the entire experience, believing that it had been no big deal.

The Truth About Trauma Storage

There is a point to this story.

So often we minimise the impact that certain situations have had on us because it’s the only way we can continue to walk through life. In some cases, if we fully allowed the impact of things we’ve been through to sink in, we wouldn’t be able to function. This is one of the amazing things about our brains: we can compartmentalise what we’ve been through and save ourselves from fully breaking down in the face of deep trauma. It’s basic human survival 101.

This explains how some people seemingly keep going through the most horrendous circumstances. The people around them celebrate how brave and resilient they are, marvelling at how they are still able to smile and see the bright side of life.

But then those same people find themselves completely unravelling when everything appears to be calm and even great on the outside. And then they begin to judge themselves… they look back at all they’ve been through and wonder why they are now struggling with simple tasks like keeping their kitchen clean or managing basic admin.

Instead of recognising that this is their repressed trauma or grief bubbling up to the surface, they judge themselves and worry that they are going mad.

When Strength Becomes Suppression

The thing is… we store it all.

The pain, the trauma, the full magnitude of everything we’ve been through gets stored in our energy body, and when life seems a little calmer on the outside, you’d best believe that stuff is coming up to be faced and released.

When you are hardwired to be the strong one, the glass-half-full one, the 'always look on the bright side' one… it can be particularly difficult to allow yourself to unravel.

You will likely have been trying for a while to keep forging on, pushing down that growing sense that you’re not okay, wondering what happened to the happier, more carefree, and motivated version of yourself — and worrying about what will happen to everyone who relies on you if you fall apart.

But as scary as it feels, unravelling is exactly what you need to allow. And it needn’t be a chaotic mess! It actually gets to be one of the most empowering experiences of your life when you understand that it is not your downfall but your rebirth.

This is the Work I Do

This is my area of expertise — not least because I have walked this path myself, more than once.

I know all about downplaying the impact of deeply challenging circumstances and the fallout that happens when you don’t acknowledge your own pain. I know exactly how it feels to have to navigate the unravelling whilst still feeling responsible for the happiness and wellbeing of everyone around you.

And I’ve lived the reality of pushing it all down until it could no longer be ignored.

If you would like to learn more about how I can support you on your journey, please visit my website singtohealyou.com, where you’ll find everything from free workshops and podcast episodes to transformational retreats and events designed to give you the space you need to finally let it all go.

And if you know someone who could use this support, please share this with them.

Your healing is not your breaking point.

It’s your becoming.